Can they endure? (5)
It’s quiet. Neither the one standing nor the one sitting opened their mouths.
Even though they were aware of each other’s presence, they simply remained silent.
The moonlight slowly moved across Baek Cheon’s face as if caressing it. Time passed as the moonlight gradually faded away, leaving a deep darkness to settle in.
During all that time, Chung Myung stood in silence.
At the end of what felt like an eternity of silence, Chung Myung’s stiff lips finally twitched.
“Do you feel resentful?”
Baek Cheon’s eyes slowly turned towards Chung Myung. They creaked like rusty hinges. The strained movement stopped, and his hollow eyes stared at Chung Myung.
Facing those eyes, Chung Myung thought they looked a bit unfamiliar.
What were Baek Cheon’s eyes like when he first met him? He couldn’t quite remember. It had become a distant memory by now.
But at least, they wouldn’t have looked like they do now.
Back then, they were probably filled with hope and confidence. Foolish, yet dazzling confidence that only such folly could bring.
“Resentment, you say…”
A cracked voice quietly leaked out. It was a hollow sound, much like his gaze.
Baek Cheon’s eyes looked past Chung Myung to somewhere far beyond. Chung Myung saw a reflection of his past self in Baek Cheon at that moment.
What could Baek Cheon be seeing now? Chung Myung clenched and loosened his fist.
Baek Cheon spoke slowly.
“…If I have to blame someone, where should I start?”
“…”
“Should it be the retired Sect Leader who made this decision? Or Sapaeryeon who made me this way? Or perhaps, should it be myself, who lived recklessly without knowing the price I’d have to pay? Which one of them…?”
As he muttered to himself, Baek Cheon let out a bitter laugh. No, it wasn’t really a laugh – it was more like the remnants of something that tried to become a laugh but never fully formed. That hollow sound spread through the descending night.
“Who should I resent? No… Who should I blame first?”
Baek Cheon’s gaze shifted to his own hand.
What was it that he was supposed to hold on to?
Who knows. By now, there was nothing left for him to grasp.
Perhaps, it was always a fact that he could no longer hold anything with these hands, but he had been the only one unwilling to acknowledge it.
And yet…
“…I could endure it.”
Baek Cheon looked up at Chung Myung again.
“I could bear it. The ridicule, the pitiful gazes, the pain that felt like my insides were being torn apart… And the misery, too.”
A faint, cynical smile appeared on Baek Cheon’s lips.
“Even if I had to endure everything, even if the path meant living through hell, I just wanted to make a choice. Not someone else’s, but mine. With my own hands.”
His gaze drifted blankly into the void once more. Though his eyes still seemed empty, a small flicker of light stirred within them as if searching for something.
But it was only for a brief moment before Baek Cheon’s eyes went vacant again.
There was nothing left for him to look at.
“But… even that is not allowed. Even that…”
His words dissipated into the emptiness.
He knew. Every decision Hyun Jong made was solely for Baek Cheon’s sake. Hyun Jong sacrificed so much for him.
The others were the same. Everyone was concerned about him. In a way, he might even be considered fortunate. But still…
“It’s strange. I tried so hard, I struggled so much… but in the end, I’m right back where I started.”
Chung Myung’s eyes darkened further.
“In the end, I’m once again living a life that isn’t mine, a life that’s supposedly for my sake but not chosen by me.”
Baek Cheon’s gaze turned to Chung Myung.
“Where did it all go wrong? Or was it doomed from the start? Was what I wished for too grand, too difficult? Did I overstep my bounds? Was I foolish to desire something beyond my reach?”
“…”
“Answer me.”
Baek Cheon’s voice cracked.
“Answer me.”
Baek Cheon, crouched in the darkness, looked as though he might collapse and fall apart at any moment.
“You’ve always given me answers. You’ve always shown me the path I should take.”
Chung Myung tightly shut his eyes, his eyelashes trembling slightly.
“So tell me now. What should I do? Where should I go? What… what can I possibly do?”
Chung Myung remained silent. He couldn’t speak. Any words would be meaningless.
Whatever he said now would only echo hollowly.
“Say something. Even if it’s not an answer… whether it’s comfort, reprimand, or even a curse… anything. Just don’t stand there doing nothing.”
“…”
“Say something… anything, please…”
Baek Cheon, who had been pleading, finally broke down, crumbling helplessly as if melting away.
“Please…”
His bony hand weakly scratched at the worn wooden floor. His shoulders trembled finely.
Chung Myung, who had been silently watching him for a long time, finally spoke.
“There was nothing wrong.”
“…”
“Loss isn’t something you can choose. It’s losing something even when you didn’t want to. That’s what loss is.”
Just as much as one gains, one must also lose countless things. That’s what it means to live.
Chung Myung knew this all too well, to the point of feeling sick of it.
The pain of losing something that should never have been lost, the deep, dark hue of that loss, is something that can even make death seem gentle. Chung Myung understood that much.
But even so, he couldn’t truly grasp what Baek Cheon was feeling right now. For every hundred people, there are a hundred different losses and just as many ways to cope with them.
That’s why Chung Myung didn’t offer clumsy consolation. It wouldn’t be respectful to someone desperately struggling at the edge of despair.
Baek Cheon’s empty pupils reflected Chung Myung.
“…I said, there was nothing wrong.”
“Is that so.”
Baek Cheon laughed softly.
“Then what should I do now?”
The hollow laugh pierced deeply into Chung Myung’s heart, but he could only remain silent.
“Answer me.”
Chung Myung simply stared at Baek Cheon. And then, suddenly, emotions that had long been absent began to swirl and mix in Baek Cheon’s eyes.
Chung Myung spoke with difficulty.
“I’ve never given you an answer, Sasuk. If it felt that way, it was just your misunderstanding.”
In truth, Chung Myung had never considered himself as someone who ‘showed the right path.’ After all, he himself had never found the right path.
If anything… it was Chung Myung who had been relying on them.
He hadn’t found the right path, but he believed that perhaps they could.
But the one he trusted the most has lost his way. The person he believed would open the path for him is now here, crumbling at the edge of despair, unable to move forward.
Chung Myung didn’t know what to say to someone in that situation.
What can someone do when they’re not allowed to turn back, nor can they move forward?
At that moment, Baek Cheon asked again,
“Is that so?”
In that instant, Chung Myung saw it. Among the remnants of countless emotions swirling in Baek Cheon’s eyes, one emotion emerged sharply and clearly.
“Then why did you come?”
It wasn’t resentment.
“Did you come to comfort me?”
No… it was envy.
“Or did you come to mock me? Ah, maybe you’re here to preach, to spout some righteous words with that impressive mouth of yours?”
Chung Myung thought he understood.
To Baek Cheon, Chung Myung must appear dazzling, almost unbearably so. Everything Baek Cheon desperately longed for now seemed to reside within Chung Myung. At least, that’s how it would look to Baek Cheon.
When they walked together, when Baek Cheon believed he was following in Chung Myung’s footsteps, it probably all seemed brilliant. But now that he no longer believed he could keep up, that light was unbearably bright.
Bright enough to blind him. Bright enough to burn a person’s heart to ashes.
Chung Myung was familiar with that kind of gaze. Yet, what made this moment so agonizing and suffocating was that the person in front of him was the one he had thought would be the farthest from having such a look.
“I’m…”
Chung Myung hesitated for a moment, almost feeling a bitter laugh escape him.
Baek Cheon probably didn’t know.
“You’re mistaken… I’m not as great or exceptional as you think I am.”
He had said it countless times. It wasn’t false humility. He had meant it sincerely every time.
“I don’t have anything to say that could help you, Sasuk.”
Some people might see brilliance in Chung Myung, but that’s only an illusion. In reality, Chung Myung was like a ship adrift in a vast sea, filled with aimless power but without any direction, just as Baek Cheon said earlier.
Without someone to guide him, he wouldn’t even know where to go.
“Then why did you…”
“I didn’t come here because I had something to say, Sasuk.”
Chung Myung interrupted Baek Cheon with a detached voice.
“I came here to tell my own story.”
Even in the depths of his despair, Baek Cheon was taken aback. It was understandable – why would Chung Myung want to talk about himself in front of someone in Baek Cheon’s state?
“No one’s asked me.”
“Asked you what…?”
“How I escaped from Sapaeryeon’s encirclement. Why that bastard let me go so easily.”
Baek Cheon’s eyes wavered slightly. He hadn’t considered it before – he had been relieved enough just knowing that Chung Myung had arrived in time.
But now, hearing this, a belated question began to arise in his mind.
Why did Jang Ilso let Chung Myung go so easily?
If he had wanted to, even if he couldn’t kill Chung Myung, he could have pushed him to the point where he wouldn’t be able to interfere in the battlefield. So why did he release him so willingly?
“Do you know how I escaped?”
“You don’t mean to say…”
Chung Myung let out a small laugh, as if he could guess what Baek Cheon was thinking.
“Don’t misunderstand. There was no deal made.”
“…”
“He just let me go.”
“What?”
“Just like that, without any conditions or demands in return.”
Suspicion flickered across Baek Cheon’s face.
At the same time, a peculiar smile tugged at the corner of Chung Myung’s mouth, something entirely different from anything Baek Cheon had seen before.
Chung Myung suddenly looked up at the night sky, as if he could still hear the echo of Jang Ilso’s mocking laughter in his ears.
– Why do you think I see you as a threat? Hmm?
“He said that to me.”
– You’re just another well-fed pig, after all.
Chung Myung blinked slowly.
– Isn’t that right?
“The moment I chose the Tang clan and turned a blind eye to the extermination of Diancang, I became nothing more than a hypocrite who only talks.”
Jang Ilso’s bright laughter flashed through his mind, suffocating him as if it were tightening around his entire body.
– Go ahead, tell the ones who died there that you’re still upholding that noble sense of justice. It would be quite amusing, don’t you think?
Jang Ilso had left after saying that.
But in reality, he hadn’t left at all. At least, the words he left behind were still deeply etched into Chung Myung heart.
No, in truth, the scar had already been there. Jang Ilso had merely reopened the fresh wound with eerie precision and rubbed salt into it.
“I was prepared for this.”
Since that time. No, perhaps even before then.
He had made a decision, that when the moment of choice came, he would never hesitate, no matter how difficult it might be. And if there was a price to pay for that choice, he would bear it all on his own.
But…
“You said you wanted to imbue your hand with your will, didn’t you? It’s a good sentiment. But, Sasuk…”
Chung Myung let out a faint laugh.
“I’m not someone who can hold onto that.”
“…Chung Myung-ah.”
“I… I just wanted…”
He wanted to be honest with himself, to do his best this time. But he had come to understand something.
The best effort without resolve, blind determination without knowing where you go, is no different from swinging a sword with your eyes closed.
One who has lost the power to uphold their will and another who possesses strength but has lost their way – these two were supposed to complement each other, like two pieces of a puzzle. But now, they could no longer stand back to back. So then…
“You asked me to answer, right? But first, Sasuk, answer me.”
“..”
“What should I do now? What should I do…”
Baek Cheon’s hand trembled slightly.
The moon slowly emerged from behind the clouds, casting its pale light over Chung Myung, who kept his gaze fixed on the sky.
“I don’t know.”
“…”
“I don’t know anymore… not even myself.”
It was only then that Baek Cheon realized – Chung Myung’s small shoulders were crumbling.
Unable to bear the sight, Baek Cheon closed his eyes.
‘You were leaning on me.’
Chung Myung’s strong back now appeared endlessly fragile. Yet, even if he wanted to support him, Baek Cheon no longer had the strength.
The one who lost his way after losing what should have never been lost… was not Baek Cheon alone.
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