That’s why it’s no fun. (4)
People are bound to change.
No matter how desperately one tries not to change, once they’ve been worn down by the world and their light has faded, there comes a moment when they face ‘oneself’ that has become boundlessly different.
How much more true must this be on a battlefield?
On the battlefield, where living as a human is not allowed, one must change and discard oneself in order to survive. The soul burns to grey ashes, crumbling bit by bit, and even the parts one believed to define ‘myself’ are unconsciously torn away over time.
Witnessing scenes that tear at your heart repeatedly eventually make you grow numb. Experiencing the soul-rending pain of loss countless times eventually dulls its impact.
Persisting while discarding more and more of oneself, there comes a moment of realization. The parts you initially believed were essential no longer remain – not even a handful.
Chung Myung certainly felt that way. He had been through too much to speak of pain. By now, he had lost so much that it was difficult to even talk about loss.
Yet he came to a new understanding: no matter how much one loses or discards, a person cannot change completely.
He realized this when the heart he thought had grown numb was crushed by a dull ache he couldn’t ignore. Even if you try to change, there are things that won’t change, and even if you try to lose them, there are things you cannot bring yourself to throw away.
Chung Myung silently gazed at the devastation unfolding before his eyes.
These were people who had certainly been alive and breathing just moments ago. People who would have viewed the world with bright eyes and spoken and laughed freely, were now cooling lifelessly upon the ground.
‘Lord Zhuge…….’
The one collapsed at the very front was Zhuge Jain.
It was a horrific sight. He had died with his eyes wide open, unable to close them. The instant Chung Myung met those hollow eyes, he involuntarily squeezed his own shut. A heavy sense of deja vu kept pulling him down into some deep, distant place.
He felt dizzy. Simply just dizzy.
“Chung… Myung…”
Someone’s call reached him. It was a voice filled with uncertainty, not clearly asking for anything. It was simply a desperate attempt to confirm the presence of someone at their side.
At that voice, Chung Myung barely managed to hold onto his sinking consciousness and opened his eyes again. Nothing before him had changed, but before long, a familiar expression settled upon his face.
Chung Myung slowly turned around.
He could see the faces of his Sahyeongs. At some point, those endlessly reliable faces had come to look like those of lost children. Perhaps it was because Chung Myung’s soul had become too exhausted.
The emotion showing on his Sahyeongs’ faces was closer to stunned astonishment than despair. Their wandering gazes, not knowing where to settle, all at once turned to Chung Myung as though by silent agreement.
Chung Myung felt like he might be crushed by the weight of those stares.
He knew what he had to say, knew exactly what choice he had to make.
Empty consolations are meaningless. There’s nothing that can be done here. They needed to move swiftly in pursuit. If there’s time to cry over what was lost, it’s better spent protecting what they were yet to lose.
So… so they had to go. Turn their backs on what remains behind, acting as if nothing had happened.
“…”
Yet he couldn’t force a single word out. Even when he tried to open his mouth forcefully, only a hoarse metallic rasp managed to escape.
Chung Myung only hoped that the cracks spreading across the mask he wore on his face would not be visible to them.
Just as Chung Myung bit his tongue and gathered all his strength to speak again, it happened.
“…..Chung…….“
Chung Myung’s eyes trembled. Pulled by that faint voice, he turned around as if entranced.
“…Myung.“
Step.
His feet moved of their own accord. Slowly, one step at a time, never stopping.
Amid the gruesome corpses, someone was struggling to rise. The effort looked so painful it seemed they might collapse at any moment.
Chung Myung’s pace quickened with each step.
Splash.
Sloshing through the blood that rose to his ankles, he was now nearly running.
“Lord Tang!”
The moment Yoon Jong’s scream-like cry rang out behind him, Chung Myung was already racing forward like a streak of light. He barely managed to reach out and catch Tang Gunak’s collapsing body.
Flinch.
But as soon as Chung Myung’s hand touched Tang Gunak’s body, he recoiled in shock and pulled his hand back. A deep sense of alienation and a terrible sense of familiarity struck him all at once.
Seeing Tang Gunak about to collapse again, Chung Myung quickly realized his mistake and grabbed both of his shoulders in a hurry.
He hadn’t been mistaken. He was cold – so cold it was hard to believe he was alive.
How could he not know what that meant? Chung Myung’s hands, clutching Tang Gunak’s shoulders, trembled faintly.
“Lord Tang!”
Arriving late, Yoon Jong gasped for breath. The moment he saw the gruesome wounds carved into Tang Gunak’s body, he bit down on his lip.
It was a miracle he was even still breathing. Every single wound looked dire. There was even a gaping hole in the center of his chest.
‘This…..’
He can’t be saved.
No matter who comes.
Tang Gunak’s one remaining eye moved slowly. Yet it couldn’t focus – it wandered through empty space, never quite reaching Chung Myung.
“Are… you… there?”
Yoon Jong saw it – the tremor running through Chung Myung’s shoulders, as though he might collapse at any moment.
He’d lost his sight. No, he couldn’t even tell that Chung Myung’s hand was on his shoulder.
“Are you………”
“Lord Tang….”
Chung Myung forced himself to speak, squeezing the words out. At that, Tang Gunak’s face momentarily softened.
“….You’re here.”
Tang Gunak slowly reached out his hand. Chung Myung instinctively grasped it firmly. Blood running down Tang Gunak’s hand trickled along Chung Myung’s wrist.
“Is… Pae…?
Tang Gunak asked, and Yoon Jong reflexively looked around. Tang Pae? Was Tang Pae among the corpses? If he had been, they would surely have noticed right away.
In that case…
“He’s alive.”
Just then, without a shred of hesitation, Chung Myung answered. Sensing the confidence in his voice, a faint relief passed over Tang Gunak’s face.
“….Thank goodness…”
But the relief didn’t last long. He urgently turned his empty gaze towards where he presumed Chung Myung to be and spoke with difficulty.
“Hwasan Geomhyeop… that bastard… that bastard, you must chase him…”
“Lord.”
“He’s aiming for our backs… Go save the others…”
Seeing Tang Gunak’s shoulders convulse under the strain, Chung Myung pulled him into a strong embrace. Chung Myung’s face twisted in anguish.
“Leave me and go…..!”
“That bastard.”
Chung Myung spoke in a resolute voice. Though his expression had been horribly contorted a moment earlier, now a pale smile played across his lips.
“I brought him down.”
Tang Gunak’s eye wavered. Chung Myung smiled even more brightly at him. Though he knew Tang Gunak wouldn’t see it, he hoped at least the warmth in his voice would reach him.
“So, it’s all right. You don’t have to worry.”
“…Truly…?”
“Yes.”
He knew.
Tang Gunak was right. He always was.
They had to leave him behind. Abandon the one who couldn’t be saved and find those who could be. Hadn’t Chung Myung himself thought the same way?
But he couldn’t.
“That’s good…..”
Only then did a faint smile bloom at the corners of Tang Gunak’s lips. It was a face that seemed to show a genuine relief.
Yoon Jong desperately covered his mouth with his hand. Im Sobyeong turned away, staring off into the distant sky.
All the disciples of Hwasan who remembered their time with Tang Gunak lowered their heads and stifled their sobs, so he wouldn’t hear them, so that no anxiety would taint his final moments.
Tang Gunak deserves that. At the very least, he had the right to a peaceful death.
“Hwasan Geomhyeop.”
Chung Myung did not answer. No, he could not.
Tang Gunak’s voice was clearer than before, and Chung Myung knew all too well what that meant. He had seen it countless times and experienced it countless times, yet it was something he could never grow accustomed to.
“Take care of the Tang Clan… and Tang Pae.”
“…Yes.”
“He may be a fool, but he’s not a bad one. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Nokrim…”
“Damn it, you’re worrying about every little thing. And how did you even know I’m here?”
When Im Sobyeong replied curtly, Tang Gunak tried his best to smile.
“Of course… our first meeting wasn’t particularly pleasant… but it was the same for everyone here.”
Chung Myung and Im Sobyeong chuckled softly and nodded. The start had indeed been unfortunate – no one could deny that.
“Still… I…”
Tang Gunak, speaking while halting his breath, suddenly stared blankly at something. A place no one else could see, a sight only he could behold.
“…I enjoyed it.”
Chung Myung lowered his head.
“This isn’t your fault… It was fortunate… meeting you.”
“Lord.”
“Finally, I can also….”
Tang Gunak chuckled quietly. Blood trickled steadily from his lips as he did.
“Chung… Myung…”
“Yes”
“Don’t blame yourself too much. That always troubled me. Haven’t you already done more than enough…”
Chung Myung silently tightened his grip on Tang Gunak’s hand.
“…..I’m grateful.”
“It’s I… who should be grateful.”
Chung Myung had not forgotten.
He would never forget who – among those outside his own sect – was the first to believe in him. Not until the moment he drew his last breath.
“Don’t worry about the Tang Clan. I will make sure… it finds its rightful place again.”
Tang Gunak did not bother to say thank you once more. Such words were unnecessary now.
He simply believed. In the smallest and youngest friend* he knew. The only true companion* he ever had in his life.
“Soso…”
There was gentle affection in Tang Gunak’s voice.
“It would be… nice… if she doesn’t cry.”
Little by little, strength faded from Tang Gunak’s hand.
Clenching his teeth, Chung Myung held his breath. Not even the tiniest gasp or sob escaped him. He bit his lip and buried his face in his shoulder, making sure not the slightest bit of anxiety would mar this man’s final moments.
He prayed silently, again and again. Let Tang Gunak never sense this trembling.
That only peace would fill him now.
At last, Tang Gunak’s movement ceased entirely. Even though Chung Myung knew he was gone, he continued to look down at Tang Gunak in his arms for a long time.
Upon his closed eyes rested an utterly peaceful smile. Chung Myung etched that smile – and that face – into his memory, so he would never forget.
Only after quite some time did Chung Myung gently lay Tang Gunak down. Looking at the man now lying still, he spoke the last words he had been unable to say before.
“……Thank you for your hard work.”
At last, someone’s quiet sob broke loose behind him. Those who had endured until now were finally releasing their anguished cries.
But there was no time left to be consumed by sorrow.
Chung Myung slowly rose. He bowed his head slightly towards Tang Gunak, whose eyes were closed as if in peaceful sleep. After engraving that image in his mind one last time, he turned around at once.
“Chung Myung-ah…”
Chung Myung’s face was as calm as ever.
“Don’t cry.”
At those words, Yoon Jong bit down on his lip.
“It’s not time yet. Once we’ve taken that bastard’s head, then-”
“…”
“That’s when you cry.”
The disciples of Hwasan wiped away their tears roughly and nodded firmly. Cold resolve slowly seeped into eyes previously blurred with grief.
“Let’s go.”
At someone’s call, they all turned and moved out.
Chung Myung had lied to Tang Gunak. And everyone there had tacitly allowed it. But there was still time to make that lie into truth.
The disciples of Hwasan surged forward.
Once Jongli Gok, who could not hide his sorrow, and Meng So, whose eyes were reddened, departed as well, Im Sobyeong remained until the very end, staring intently at Tang Gunak, who lay as though asleep.
Could Tang Gunak really not have known that it was a lie?
“…Right up to the end… acting so high-and-mighty.”
Im Sobyeong gave Tang Gunak a deep bow. An act of respect he had never once shown, from the moment they first met until now.
When he raised his head again, Im Sobyeong’s expression was also filled with resolve.
As even Im Sobyeong departed, rain began falling softly onto the bodies left behind.
That lukewarm rain gently brought a faint warmth to those who had already been growning cold.
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*While in the first sentence the common word 친구 (chingu) is used, in the second sentence the word 벗 (beot) is being used. Archaic word, that carries a deeper sense of bond, loyalty, or shared life journey.
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Return of the Mount Hua 
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