That’s not how I am. (2)
“Uh….”
A look of bewilderment flickered across Baek Sang’s face.
‘Yu Gong? I’m certain I’ve heard that name before?’
He even felt as if he had seen him somewhere. He couldn’t recall exactly who it was, but the image definitely existed somewhere in his mind.
“Ah!”
Before long, a memory buried deep inside rose to the surface.
Yu Gong, disciple of Haenam.
One of those who abandoned Haenam and left when that bastard, Ho Gamyeong, led Sapaeryeon in its invasion.
And as if that weren’t enough, he became a dog of Sapaeryeon, hunting down his former comrades.
“You bastard!”
In a flash, Baek Sang seized Yu Gong by the collar. His eyes were brimming with fury. Because this miserable wretch chose to be a lapdog of the Evil Sects, they had been driven into unimaginable peril – no, calling it ‘peril’ didn’t even begin to describe what they’d endured.
After everything had ended, upon retracing the events, they had discovered that Saparyeon had tracked them using ‘Haenam’s mark’. Moreover, Hyeong Gachon’s [형가촌(邢家村) – elder of the village, Hyeong Wook’s father] people, whom they’d evacuated to avoid persecution from the Evil Sects, told them they’d seen a man who didn’t appear as a Sapa, but accompanied Sapaeryeon.
All this pointed to one undeniable fact. Hearing it had filled him with uncontrollable rage.
The culprit who had brought about that calamity was standing right here. If not for this wretch, Geum Yangbaek would not have died, and Haenam’s casualties would have been cut by more than half.
Thud!
Baek Sang’s fist smashed into Yu Gong’s jaw, and Yu Gong toppled, spraying blood.
“Get up, you bastard!”
As though that were nowhere near enough, Baek Sang grabbed the collar again and forced Yu Gong back to his feet. Yu Gong met Baek Sang’s gaze with cold indifference despite the blood dripping from his split lips.
“Why you! Why are you here, you son of a bitch! Aren’t you ashamed before Sect Leader Geum, who is watching from the heavens?”
After committing such horrifying deeds, he could not even keep to a quiet life. Here he was again as a Sapa’s dog, spying on others. At this point, Baek Sang felt more than simple anger – disgust rose bitterly within him.
Yet Yu Gong, even while bearing the full brunt of that rage, let out a derisive chuckle.
“You seem incapable of understanding simple words.”
“You….”
“Is this really the time to vent your anger on me? Ah, perhaps your feeble brain finds that too difficult to comprehend?”
Baek Sang ground his teeth and raised his fist. Unable to watch any longer, Baek Cheon spoke softly.
“Sang-ah.”
“Sahyeong! Don’t stop me!”
“Let him go.”
Baek Sang gnashed his teeth in frustration, but soon relaxed his grip. It was not because he thought Baek Cheon was right, but because he knew they must not corner and harm this man now.
“…It’s pointless, Sahyeong. This bastard isn’t even human. What do you expect to gain from scum like him?”
Yu Gong snorted faintly. He found Baek Sang’s words rather convincing.
Still, he didn’t openly show this self-contempt. He merely stood up slowly and glanced at Baek Cheon with a look of indifference.
“So, may I go now?”
His voice was dripping with clear mockery.
“Ah, are you thinking of killing me? I’d appreciate it if you’d be clear – let me go or kill me. Either way…”
“Either way, it won’t make much difference to you.”
When Baek Cheon finished the sentence for him, Yu Gong’s expression stiffened ever so slightly. Baek Cheon continued calmly.
“After all, it’s not so different from being dead already.”
Yu Gong’s face did not change much, yet Baek Sang felt as though a crack had opened across it. Indeed, a chill now emanated from Yu Gong’s eyes unlike moments before.
“Oh, the esteemed one* intends to lecture me?”
“…”
“You hardly seem qualified for that. Or perhaps that’s precisely why – since your mouth is about the only thing left intact?”
Yu Gong unleashed a torrent of venomous words.
“Even after becoming this pitiful excuse for a man, are you still planning to chase after those dream-like tales with sparkling eyes?”
“…”
“But what should we do? All I can see is a pitiful bastard who chased grand ideals of righteousness and chivalry only to be smashed into the depths of hell. What meaning could any lecture from such a man have? Watching you only makes me realize how right my own choice was.”
“Shut up, you wretched mutt. Sahyeong is not…”
“Sahyeong?”
Yu Gong cut Baek Sang off and tilted his head.
“Doesn’t ‘Sahyeong’ apply only to someone within your sect? Calling a man who’s been excommunicated ‘Sahyeong’? Well, I suppose that is so like Hwasan.”
“You…!”
Sparks flared up in Baek Sang’s eyes. He looked ready to swing his sword at Yu Gong that very instant. Had Baek Cheon not been standing beside him, he probably would have already done so.
“How does it feel to be abandoned by your sect?”
When Baek Cheon did not answer, Yu Gong chuckled.
“I can’t even imagine, can I? The feelings of someone who devoted himself so completely, only to be cast out in disgrace. At least I walked out on my own two feet.”
Step.
Yu Gong took one step closer to Baek Cheon.
“……And yet you still live like this? They say a dog keeps following its master even after it has been thrown away, never realizing this fact. Are you the same?”
The gaze Yu Gong fixed on Baek Cheon was as sharp as a blade.
“Do you crave their acknowledgement that badly? You must know it yourself: by now everyone finds you burdensome and troublesome. They wish you would quietly disappear as though nothing happened. If it were me, rather than wag my tail for a bowl of cold leftovers, I’d die out in the fields. At least that would preserve what shreds of pride remain.”
Baek Sang clenched the hilt of his sword.
There is a limit to how much one can endure. That bastard had clearly crossed the line. What he had dared to say to Baek Cheon was unforgivable. To a man who had devoted everything for others’ sake, no one in this world has the right to spit such words.
However, before Baek Sang’s fury could explode, Baek Cheon spoke calmly.
“You want to die, do you.”
“Haha. If you want to kill me…”
“No.”
Baek Cheon shook his head.
“I’m talking about what you’re thinking. You’ve decided that dying would be better than living as you are now. That’s why you’re trying to provoke me.”
For an instant, Yu Gong clamped his mouth shut. The corners of his lips quivered slightly.
“It’s no use. Neither I nor Baek Sang will grant you that kind of death.”
“Running your mouth as you please.”
“…Someone told me once: a person’s words always carry their own feelings. Whether it’s an insult or a taunt, there’s a heart hidden inside.”
Yu Gong wanted to avert his gaze for a moment, but Baek Cheon’s eyes would not let him go.
“Do I look pathetic to you?”
“Is that even a question…!”
“Perhaps in your eyes I do. But that’s not how I am. I have no regrets.”
Not a single tremor touched Baek Cheon’s voice.
“Unlike you.”
Yu Gong ground his teeth.
No regrets? What laughable nonsense.
He remembered the old Baek Cheon with painful clarity – so dazzling it hurt the eyes. Just seeing him had been enough to feel inferior.
As though blessed by every grace in the world, he had flown too close to the sun and, punished for it, lost his wings and fell. He crashed into the filthiest pit and could never fly again.
How could such a man feel no regret? Impossible.
Even Yu Gong sometimes dreamed of the past – his days as a disciple of Haenam. A time with his Master, Sahyeongs, and no worries about the future.
On those nights Yu Gong woke up drenched in cold sweat. To forget the days that would never return, he had to drink himself numb, as if trying to drown in alcohol.
How can someone who has lost even more than that possibly feel no regret?
At that moment, Baek Cheon looked Yu Gong straight in the eye and asked,
“We have no time. Where are the hostages?”
Yu Gong bit down hard on his lip.
“Did your brain get scorched along with those burns you got? I already told you I have no reason to…”
“There is a reason.”
“…”
“There’s someone there who needs to be saved. No other reason is necessary – for me, or for you.”
A hollow laugh slipped from Yu Gong’s mouth.
‘Just what does this man think I am?’
No matter how many times he pondered, the outcome was inevitable. Anyone in that situation would have chosen the same path. It wasn’t only his own life at stake. Who could blame him?
Of course, Yu Gong knew all these repeated thoughts were excuses. Yet he recited that meaningless excuse countless times.
Even so, amid it all, he never denied a single fact.
“What now? Words like that mean nothing to trash like me.”
His heart had dried up far too long ago to respond to such upright words. All that remained were ridicule and razor-sharp malice, ready to fly in any direction.
Perhaps that was why…
“Do you still think you’re a hero?”
He opened his mouth again.
“Don’t you see? Your performance is over. Had you said the same words long ago, perhaps even I might have been moved.”
Yu Gong knew precisely which words would leave the deepest wound in this man, for he too had lost everything.
“But not now. An actor who’s left the stage is nothing. The reason your gaudy, childish words once stirred someone was because you stood upon that stage. But no one laughs or cries, no one is moved by the prattle of a jester who has wiped off his makeup. If they don’t simply laugh at the pitiful, shabby jester who keeps babbling without realizing his paint is gone, count yourself lucky.”
Yu Gong – and now even Baek Cheon – had now been backstage, where no one was watching. A dark, moldy place where those who could no longer shine rotted away.
In this place neither the laws of the world nor codes of chivalry held any meaning. Yu Gong conveyed that fact to Baek Cheon, who had yet to grasp it.
Yet the blade of his words, honed as sharp as razor’s edge, cut Yu Gong himself as much as it slashed at Baek Cheon.
Staring at Baek Cheon’s stiffened expression, Yu Gong suddenly turned away. If he looked at Baek Cheon any longer, he felt he might vomit.
Not out of disgust for Baek Cheon. Rather, in the man who had plummeted down to a place he never wished to be at, Yu Gong had seen a glimpse of himself. He no longer wished to witness that sight.
No sooner had he taken a step than Baek Sang shouted.
“If you don’t stop right now…!”
“Stab me to death.”
Yu Gong roared like a beast.
“Quit barking and cut me down! That’ll be easier for both of us.”
Picking up the mask that had fallen to the ground, Yu Gong covered his face again.
There was no special reason. He knew he could never make his way among them again, but at some point going without the mask had become uncomfortable. That was all.
Yu Gong took another step forward.
On the inside he was waiting – for a sword to fly into his back, for Baek Cheon to curse him and cut off his head on the spot.
If that happened, Yu Gong could die with a laugh instead: ‘See? It’s all the same in the end’. He would sneer as he said it.
But instead of the sword he expected, a short sentence pierced him.
“Haenam is here.”
Yu Gong stopped before he knew it.
“They’re fighting with their lives on the line.”
Of course he tried to ignore it and continue to walk. Those words had nothing to do with him anymore.
“If you don’t help… everyone really might die.”
Grit.
Grinding his teeth, Yu Gong turned around slowly, as if his joints were stiff and grinding against each other. His eyes, burning with surging malice, collided in mid-air with Baek Cheon’s calm gaze.
________
*잘나신 분 – sarcastic or ironic way of saying ‘distinguished person’ or ‘the great one’ (literally ‘the esteemed person’ but often used mockingly).
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Return of the Mount Hua 
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